Thread: The 12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John: *** Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree?* How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 15, 1972 Dearest John: *** Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.* Just imagine two turtle doves.* I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16, 1972 Dear John: *** Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one.* Now I must protest.* I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.* They are just darling but I* must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes December 17, 1972 Dear John: *** Today the postman delivered four calling birds.* Now really, they are beautiful,* but don't you think enough is enough.* You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18, 1972 Dearest John: *** What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger.* You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 19, 1972 Dear John: *** When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps.* So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.* Where will I ever keep them?* The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.* Please stop. Cordially, Agnes December 20, 1972 John: *** What's with you and those freaking birds??* Seven swans a swimming.* What kind of damn joke is this? * There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket.* I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.* It's not funny.* So stop those freaking birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21, 1972 O.K. Buster: *** I think I prefer the birds. * What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking?* It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows.* There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.* Just lay off me, smartass. Agnes December 22, 1972 Hey Shithead: *** What are you?* Some kind of sadist?* Now there's nine pipers playing.* And Christ do they play. * They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. * The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?* The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours! Agnes December 23, 1972 You rotten prick: *** Now there's ten ladies dancing.* I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.* My living room is a river of shit.* The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you! Agnes December 24, 1972 Listen ****head: *** What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead.* They've been trampled to death in the orgy. * I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes December 25, 1972 Dear Sir: *** This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.* The destruction, of course, was total.* All correspondence should come to our attention.* If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

lol - and a Merry Christmas to you!